Coming back to lose again
by Mistofstars
Summary: After COE and House of the Dead, Jack travels back in time and ends somewhere between the last episode of season 1 and the first episode of season 2 - now he has the chance to see Ianto one more time, alive.


**Author: **Mistofstars

**Pairing: **Jack Harkness / Ianto Jones or Jack / Ianto or Janto, whatever the name ...

**Author's note: **I recently watched Ianto's death scene again, and then I remembered the radio play, The House of the Dead, and how Jack said of all the people he knew and loved the only one he wanted to see was Ianto. I remembered that he left Earth in the last episode of Children of Earth because he could not bear all the deaths he had caused or for which he blamed himself - and Ianto's death of course. So, I thought, well, Jack can travel in time, can't he, with his wrist strap. I know he is not allowed to cross his own timeline, but he could travel back in time to see Ianto one last time again - without meeting himself. Should be possible, right, R.T.D? So, here it is. By the way, I know it's a bit much for a standalone, but I wanted to post this as one coherent thing.

**Rating:** M or 16+ to be sure

**Plot: **After COE and House of the Dead, Jack travels back in time and ends somewhere between the last episode of season 1 and the first episode of season 2

**Warnings: **Romance, slash, drama, sad

**Coming back to lose again**

Jack's heart turned over in his chest when he typed the date into his leather strap highly concentrated. Thank God he remembered when he had returned to Earth from his journey with the Doctor – and when he had left the Earth and his team. A thing he wouldn't do again nowadays. Had he realized back then what his disappearance would cause, he had stayed. With a sigh, he pressed the button, which beeped thereupon – a bright blue beam of light suddenly surrounded him, and he felt his body being pulled into different dimensions. He only saw a haze of stars and blackness around him, then he found himself in Cardiff again – right in the city centre.

It was fresh here; on the overcast sky the sun was fighting through the clouds one more time to present its last rays before night set in. Jack blinked against it, briefly distracted. Then he became excited – had it worked? He looked around and tried to make out today's date somewhere. He saw a news-stand and ran towards it – he quickly glanced at a newspaper and saw the scheduled date. Reassured, he took a deep breath and then laughed briefly, worrying the bystanders. It had worked. While his other self currently travelled with the Doctor through the galaxy, he could be here now. He would be able to see Ianto again.

Without much thinking, Jack began to run. He ran along endless blocks of houses, along dreary, long roads. He ran until his lungs burned, until he had a stitch and his legs tingled. He was so nervous, so messed up – but he was running with an aim, namely directly to the Torchwood hub. If he wanted to carry out his plan, he needed RetCon, and this was only available in the hub. Completely out of breath, he arrived at the Memorial Place, and he stayed off the security cameras all around the place.

He caught his breath and put a hand on his wildly beating heart, feeling the pain. Filled with nostalgia, he looked in the direction where the hub was hidden. Before it had been bombed, before Owen, Tosh and Ianto had to die. How happy he'd been – they had been his family – how unspeakably happy, and he had understood it too late. No, he had to run away with the Doctor, imagined he wouldn't really belong to this time. How stupid he had been. With nervous, trembling fingers, he wiped a tear of anger from his eye and tried to stop his own accusations. This wasn't helping anyone now. They were all dead, and it could not be undone. He had to go on and live with the pain.

Jack knew he couldn't simply walk into the hub – he had to wait until everyone left, then he could sneak in and steal some RetCon. He sat down in a nearby bistro, where he could keep an eye on the place and would see when all left. Restless, he sipped his coffee, counted the minutes and hours. Finally he saw Owen in the distance; the young man was so bony and thin that you could recognize him from afar easily. A melancholic smile crept on Jack's mouth when he remembered how piteously Owen had cried, when Jack was revived after days of being dead, and how Owen had regretted to have shot him. He had had a good heart. Everything in Jack screamed to run off to Owen and tell him to leave Torchwood behind, that Torchwood would be his end. But he could not.

He felt the same way then he saw Gwen, and soon thereafter Toshiko. None of them saw him, how he was sitting in the bistro, thinking about them with a smile. It was dark outside now, and Jack was drinking his third cup of coffee. Then he saw Ianto. He wanted to erupt into tears immediately on the spot, but he could do nothing but watch Ianto, stare at him. The sight of him freshened all memories, inspired Jack's pain-soaked heart. How good it was to see him again. Alive. The young Welshman did not smile, he looked unusually serious, almost sullen. Jack remembered how Ianto had looked like after his return – that night, in which Captain John Hart had also landed in Cardiff. Ianto had looked almost the same as always then, maybe a little thinner and with no more good faith in his eyes. But now he looked shockingly thin, threateningly serious. Jack knew he would return to the team in about two months – he had never known how much Ianto had suffered in the meantime.

Jack waited until Ianto was out of sight, then he paid the waiter and ran from the café across the square. It was a mere child's play to get into the hub, the system still recognized him. In the office he deleted all video images the CCTV had made of him and froze the cameras for ten minutes. Enough time to get into his office to steal a few RetCon pills and to disappear again. When he was back on the Memorial Place he had the feeling that thousands odours and bacteria from the hub still lingered on him. Memories he simple couldn't get off his body. It felt like he was back home – but he knew that this time was only borrowed. Eventually he had to leave again, he couldn't stay here forever.

He wondered where Ianto might have possibly gone to and started to trudge from one of their favourite locations to the next. Tirelessly he strode through the early evening streets of Cardiff, trying to find Ianto. Finally he caught him in a pub, which they had visited with the team sometimes. Jack saw him sitting at the bar alone, brooding, staring into his drink gloomily. He had loosened his tie, and his shirt an hair looked equally dishevelled. Jack could already see from the door that Ianto was drunk. He drank his drink in one go and ordered another short. Jack was shocked when he saw how Ianto downed his glass in one and immediately ordered the next. It wasn't like Ianto to drown his frustration in alcohol. And certainly it wasn't like him to drink in such a dizzying pace.

Then Ianto looked up as if he had felt Jack's pheromones wafting to him, as if he had smelled him. Their eyes met, Ianto's mouth hung a bit ajar, as he stared at Jack. You could tell that he felt completely dumbstruck. He blinked a few times, then he looked away. He paid the bartender and got up slowly, with wobbly legs. Jack hadn't moved an inch and was still standing at the door, when he saw Ianto approaching. But the younger didn't look at him once, just walked past him outside.

Jack felt punched in the gut. A feeling of sickness overcame him, his cheeks started to blush. His heart refused to beat for a second. Of course. This was Ianto after all, who still had his pride and who had to be quite mad at Jack. Jack had recognized this even then when he had returned, looking with Ianto after the so-called radio cluster bombs for John Hart. How Ianto had interrupted him, hadn't want to hear anything about private jokes. Jack had had to do some efforts at persuasion back then – now it wouldn't be easier.

He quickly began to run after Ianto, to follow him out on the deserted street, until he finally caught up with him pantingly. Ianto walked incredibly fast, even though he was dead drunk. It was probably his anger, Jack assumed. He managed to walk quite quickly, although he was swaying to and fro. Jack ran along beside him and looked at his face, but Ianto simply ignored him and went on undeterred. This continued until they almost arrived at Ianto's apartment.

Finally it blurted out of Ianto.

"I don't want to talk to you", he said quietly, still not eyeing Jack.

"Ianto..."

Jack grabbed him by the arm and tried to stop him. Ianto finally halted and pulled his arm back with a jerk. Finally he looked at Jack, not too friendly, but Jack didn't care. As long as he could feel these eyes resting on him once more, it didn't matter with what feelings their gaze was soaked in. Jack couldn't find the words that where on his mind – there were too many, he wanted to tell Ianto thousand things at once. Instead, he just looked at Ianto, who didn't know where exactly to start himself.

"What are you doing here? Did you come back to quietly run away again? What do you want here, Jack?", Ianto asked, formulating the words with some effort, but before Jack could even give an answer, Ianto was gone. Jack followed him again without being asked. He watched Ianto taking out his keys, unlocking the door. He didn't wait for Jack and just walked up the stairs. Jack had slipped through the door quickly, and climbed the stairs also. Ianto didn't stop him when he followed him into his apartment, closing the door behind him.

Jack felt numb, as if someone had hit him on the ears. Everything in him rushed out of sheer emotions, he felt completely overwhelmed by all the impressions that poured on him. Ianto's voice, his scent everywhere in the flat... He looked at Ianto, fighting his body out of his shoes and his jacket. Ianto's eyes were unspeakably sad and tired, his face looked exhausted. He gave Jack a weird glance as he walked to his bedroom, straight to bed. He slipped under the covers and looked at Jack impenetrably, how he stood there in the doorway, looking at him with a melancholic smile.

"I don't have the strength to fight anymore, Jack. It's all too much for me. I can't stand it any longer, I'm tired... You just leave, without a word, without a thought about me, and then suddenly you come back – what do you expect from me?", Ianto said quietly, sounding remarkably sober. He closed his eyes. Jack's heart contracted with pain, tears welled up in his eyes. The pain was about to tie up his throat, it hurt when he swallowed. With careful steps he crossed Ianto's room and sat down beside him on the bed. He looked down at Ianto, his calm face. How beautiful he was... Fascinated Jack studied every wrinkle, every detail of his face. The lips he hadn't kissed often enough. The soft, brown hair, through which his fingers had stroked too rarely. The nose he had always wanted to kiss, but had never dared to do so. Jack couldn't stop himself, his fingers stroked over Ianto's night cool cheek lovingly. Ianto opened his eyes and looked deeply into Jack's.

"Ianto, I'm sorry. I never should have gone, I'm sorry", Jack finally spoke, meaning every word. Ianto smiled wistfully, then he turned his head and looked away. He probably thought about the past weeks and months in which he had been alone. Without a sign of life from Jack. This was confirmed when he continued to talk with soft words.

"Do you know what it's like when every day is absolutely shit, Jack? You lie down at night and hope that the pain will eventually subside, but it's not getting better. And nobody can help you, and you can't even help yourself. You wonder constantly whether you have done something wrong, if there's a God who wants to punish you. And at some point you just switch off your feelings, you just want to survive or lie down and die if only you had the courage to do so. Then you wake up the next morning, and you know you'll have to survive another fucking day. And so it's been going on for months now. And you tell me you're sorry, but that doesn't change all the crappy days that I had, Jack. That doesn't change a thing."

Jack caught himself having tears streaming down his cheeks unseen. He could hear the pain within Ianto's words, the months of loneliness, his heartbreak – all that he had brought upon him with his disappearance. He had put Ianto into this situation. He was the one who was to be blamed for Ianto's death. If it hadn't been for him, Ianto would probably not have died, he would have left Torchwood, would have lived a reasonably happy life. But oh no, Jack was sitting here, and he didn't tell Ianto to run away and to leave Torchwood behind. He wanted him back, as long as he could have him. He felt guilt and remorse – he had never wanted to hurt Ianto, and now he saw Ianto as a broken man in front of him. A single tear escaped Ianto's eye and wandered down his cheek. Stunned he looked into the distance, not focussing anything.

"I've missed you so much, Jack. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I could hardly make myself do something. Everything was so exhausting. Taking out the garbage, washing clothes, cleaning up. Why, I wondered, it doesn't matter anyway. Tosh helped me to have some order and routine in my life again. But she couldn't cure everything. And now that I feel somewhat better, you come back and apologize. Do you ask me to forgive you just like that?"

Ianto turned to Jack and looked at him questioningly. Surprised he saw the tears in Jack's face and seemed to reconsider his words. Jack knew Ianto could count on one hand how often he had seen Jack cry. He saw the shock in Ianto's face, saw the younger sit up without a word, stroking away the tears on Jack's cheeks. Jack smiled painfully and tried to stop the flow of tears. His heart ached when he realized how much he had hurt Ianto. He had never known how much Ianto had missed him in his absence, because Ianto had never told him. Tosh and Gwen had made a few comments once, but never in such detail.

"No, Ianto, you don't have to forgive me. I don't want anything. It's enough for me if I can just sit here and see you. That's enough..."

Ianto's amazement grew, with disbelief he observed Jack and frowned.

"You're different, somehow changed. What's happened to you?", Ianto said softly, it was a blessing for Jack to hear the concern for him in Ianto's voice. Ianto's hands still rested on Jack's cheeks, it felt so good to feel the loving touch again.

"I just realized what an idiot I was. I've fucked things up." To his relief Jack saw Ianto smiling at this a little. Then they looked at each other in the eyes again, the air seemed to crackle, the attraction they always exerted on each other was clearly sensible like a tickle. Jack felt as if trapped in a dream, when he saw into Ianto's deep blue eyes. Here was his home, here he belonged. His thoughts switched off, time seemed to stand still. He felt Ianto breathe, felt his body heat so close to his face. Weak-willed they approached, their faces were so close. Jack thought he had landed in a frenzy when he saw Ianto closing his eyes slowly, pressing his lips to Jack's. Carefully they kissed, cautiously sensing the mouth of the other, getting used to it again.

Jack's whole body was tingling, electrified. How good it was to be able to kiss Ianto again, to feel his love. In Ianto's kisses a passion and a desire was included that Jack could plainly perceive, that made him dizzy and hot. He put his hands on Ianto's back of the head and pulled him closer, pressed him to his chest. Stormily and desperate they kissed, until Ianto pulled back and gasped. He looked at Jack, confused and panicked, as if he had awoken from a dream and to find that the reality was nothing else but a nightmare.

"I don't want that", he whispered breathlessly. He lay down again and turned on his side, staring at the wall in front of him.

"I can't do that. You will just go again and leave me behind."

Ianto couldn't know how right he was with his assumption. Tomorrow Jack would be gone, out of his life again. Jack tried to put away all the thoughts about the RetCon in his pocket, trying to focus on Ianto instead. He felt like a hypocrite when he gently put his hand on Ianto's upper arm.

"If it was up to me I would stay with you until the end of time, Ianto", he said, with what he didn't confirm Ianto's guess, but with what he also wasn't lying. Ianto frowned and thought about Jack's words – it was as if they melted in his mouth, as if he scanned their content. At last he seemed to come to the realization that he had never heard such words and confessions from Jack before. He turned his head and looked at Jack quite sceptical, almost quizzical. The surprise on his face became even greater when Jack continued speaking.

"I love you, Ianto. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have left you. I love you".

Ianto's gaze was at once very gently, he looked at Jack tenderly. Then a small smile appeared on his lips, but it turned into a mischievous pout. The scepticism had finally won, Ianto didn't believe Jack, Jack realized.

"Jack, what's wrong with you? What are you talking about?", he asked, slightly amused. But his attitude quickly faded when he saw Jack's desperate, angry face before him. Jack bent down and put both hands on his shoulders.

"Dammit, I love you, Ianto! Believe me! I know myself that I could have told you much earlier, but I didn't dare. And you should know that I mean it."

The realization swept over Ianto, how he was lying there under Jack, looking up into his face. It was almost like a shock when he began to understand. His mouth opened a little bit, with large eyes he looked at Jack and realized the seriousness of his statement. Completely taken by surprise he allowed that Jack kissed him again, and soon Jack felt to his joy Ianto's arms around his neck, his hands on the back of his head, as he pressed their lips closer. Ianto had finally understood what he meant to Jack. Jack was overjoyed when he felt Ianto's passionate kisses, as he felt his hands rummaging through his hair. It felt so good to be close to him again... Breathless they broke apart, Ianto had his fingers still buried in Jack's hair. His eyes darted wildly over Jack's face, remaining at Jack's eyes again. He looked unspeakably confused and vulnerable, revealing his heart bluntly to Jack. Jack saw the fear in Ianto's traits, the uncertainty, the pain of the past.

"I can't trust you, Jack. You'll only hurt me again", Ianto whispered, letting up on Jack. Jack knew he had Ianto almost on his side; he knew that Ianto had already given in inwardly, it was only the last gasp of rebellion. Jack knew what Ianto felt for him and that he couldn't let go of him – not even if there were thousand good reasons to leave him. Ianto closed his eyes and enjoyed visibly how Jack's fingers lovingly caressed his cheeks. Jack leaned over to his ear and whispered softly in it, telling Ianto what he knew.

"But you trust me, Ianto. Otherwise I wouldn't be here, in your flat, in your bed. You know that I love you... don't be afraid." Jack watched as Ianto took a deep breath, how the worry lines finally left his forehead. He opened his eyes and looked at Jack for a while, then a mischievous smile came to his face, which made Jack smile also.

"I hate you", Ianto said, but Jack couldn't stop grinning, as well as Ianto couldn't stop smiling. Jack knew he had won Ianto over again, that Ianto allowed him to be close to him again, to love him, even to hurt him. Ianto's eyes said more than words, as he looked down at Jack's coat, and his fingers began to open the buttons slowly. Jack watched him, and a tender glow shone in his eyes. His Ianto...

It was their usual rite to undress the other, Jack smiled tenderly as he stripped of his coat and started unbuttoning Ianto's shirt, button per button, while Ianto did the same with him. Ianto was faster and pulled Jack's shirt off his shoulders, letting it fall to the ground; shortly thereafter his shirt joined it. Ianto gave Jack a hungry look that made Jack's heart stop for a moment. It was as if he saw all the pain he had inflicted on Ianto, but also all the love he had given to him. For a brief moment it seemed to Jack as if he would finally wake up, wondering what he was doing here. He used Ianto to feel better himself! He also gave his feelings and his body to Ianto, but only to leave at dawn, to make him forget with RetCon. Jack knew it was morally wrong what he did, but he knew at once that he couldn't help it. To see Ianto one more time, to sleep with him just once more, to feel him again... Was that really too much to ask for? Too much, if you had to live until the end of time without him?

Ianto's wild kisses and the tender bite into his lower lip made Jack forget. He thought no more about the coming morning or any kind of morality – he only thought about his Ianto. His sweet kisses, his quivering sighs, that wonderful, warm body over which he ran his hands insatiably. It didn't take long and Jack found himself lying on the back naked, Ianto sitting on top of him also naked. His fingers dug into Ianto's hips as he repeatedly penetrated him with deep, slow strokes, bending his back. Ianto's face was veiled by pleasure and happiness, his body vibrated upon Jack's, his inside pulled tightly and sweetly together around Jack's erection, welcoming him. Jack paused for a moment to revel in Ianto's body, his face, his being. He felt his own lips burning, sore from their kisses, his cheeks filled with hot blood – he felt as if beaten to death when he realized the extent to which he was addicted to Ianto. He loved him so much, it took away his air to breathe, it robbed him every clear thought. He was so helplessly at the mercy of his feelings, he couldn't do anything against his love for Ianto.

Ianto opened his eyes and looked down at him with a playful smile and sparkling eyes. His hands stroked over Jack's chest, came to rest next to his shoulders as he bent over him. With skilful, rhythmic movements Ianto let his pelvis circle, and he began to ride Jack in irregular intervals. Jack felt dizzy with desire, he felt hot waves rolling over his twitching abdomen – as if by magic his hands reached out for Ianto's buttocks, kneading the hard muscles. He hardly noticed it, as Ianto bit him in the neck, quickening his pace. He heard himself moan loudly, felt himself tremble, and then – incredible relief, rattling breaths, billion endorphins, peace. Ianto's hot, sweaty body fell on his, with a happy smile Jack put his arms around Ianto's bare back, pulling him close on him, enjoying the feeling to be still in him.

They didn't leave it at that one time that night. In the next hours their love games varied, from positions to fast, passionate interactions to slow, delightful caresses of the other's body. Finally Jack lay down, bathed in sweat and completely finished, covering himself and Ianto with a blanket. He was still breathing heavily, but he felt saturated, exhausted in a pleasant way. Ianto lay on his stomach, his head turned to Jack, and he looked at him with a strange, tender glance. Jack turned to him and put a hand on Ianto's cheek, gently stroking it with his thumb. It felt like heaven, to be here again and to look into these beautiful blue eyes. Ianto smiled, nudging Jack's nose playfully, their foreheads touched. Ianto closed his tired eyes.

"I love you, Jack", he said softly, and Jack felt his heart flutter with love, his knees melted. Heat spread through his stomach, tears welled up in his eyes. A tear made its way over his cheek unseen. What would he have given to be able to stay here forever?

"I love you too", he replied tenderly. Ianto smiled to his delight. Then he watched how Ianto gradually fell asleep. All of a sudden Jack remembered the RetCon he still had to somehow give to Ianto. Carefully he freed himself from Ianto's hug and fumbled in his jacket pocket for the pills. He saw a water bottle next to Ianto's bed on the floor, in which he dropped the pills, whereupon they quickly dissolved. Ianto finally woke up through Jack's movements.

"What are you doing?", he muttered sleepily.

"Only drinking... you want some too?", Jack asked, and tried to make his voice sound cheerful and nonchalant. Ianto nodded and sat up half awake, taking the water bottle Jack gave him. He watched how Ianto took a few strong gulps, then he returned the bottle to Jack and lay down again. Jack didn't know whether he was supposed to feel relief or absolute devastation now. He lay down beside Ianto and put his arm around his waist – he saw Ianto's little smile, then the younger man moved closer to him and fell asleep again, firmly pressed to Jack, held by him. Jack lay awake all night, holding Ianto in his arm. Not a single clear thought lingered in his mind, only this one: That he had to go. That he had to break away. Before Ianto woke up and saw him here.

He tried to memorise Ianto's scent, his body heat, the feeling of holding him in his arms. To leave him now again was probably the most horrible thing Jack had ever had to do. To see Ianto die in his arms was one thing, to leave him thereafter again, with the knowledge to be never able to see him again, was just cruel. It broke his heart all over again, but he had no more tears left to cry. He wished he could have died that night in Ianto's bed, peacefully at his side. But even that was denied him.

When the first rays of the morning crawled across the sky and parted into diffuse, weak pink light, Jack knew he had to go. He took a deep breath, then he turned gently to his side and looked down into Ianto's sleeping face. He wanted to remember him like this, his delicate beauty, so peaceful, without despair. This would replace all the horrible images of death, it would heal Jack's heart a little. Once again he kissed Ianto's lips, savoured their taste, the soft texture of his mouth. Then he got up slowly and quietly and removed all the traces of the previous night which might reveal his presence. When he had finished he turned around and looked at Ianto one last time – then he finally broke away, and without a noise he left the apartment.

...

As Ianto awoke an hour later, two things attracted his attention: First, he felt terribly hungover and his stomach was upset from the alcohol – secondly there was this scent on his pillows, which hung in the air and swirled around him. He inhaled this beguiling scent deeply, and it stabbed him directly into the heart; then he felt like a mess, and a dam inside of him broke. It smelled like Jack in his bed. Confused Ianto rubbed the sleep from his eyes and looked around in his bedroom. Nobody was here. Why did it smell like Jack everywhere then? He probably already missed him so much that he imagined to be able to smell him. Bewildered and ill-tempered he got up and stalked through the flat to the bathroom, in order to take a hot shower.

In the shower he thought about the last night – he must have drunk so much that he couldn't even remember what had happened. Since Jack had left he caught himself drinking incredible masses of alcohol and crying himself to sleep a lot. Exhausted and tired Ianto closed his eyes and enjoyed the hot water on his night chilled body. Jack appeared before his inner eye, he saw his smile, his eyes, felt the soft hair beneath his fingertips...Jack's scent still clung to Ianto, he couldn't wash it off. His heart felt heavy, it seemed as if the weight of the world rested on Ianto's shoulders. He wouldn't be able to work today. He would do the only thing which could help him endure the pain a little bit better.

He didn't even put on a suit as usual, but simple jeans, a shirt and a long, navy blue sweater – so he thought he others wouldn't see how emaciated he had become within the last few weeks. Ianto just wanted to have his peace, wanted to get over with this day. How long had be been this way, vegetating like this? Impatiently he drove along the roads to the hub, parked outside the Torchwood district. When he entered Toshiko was already there – he greeted her with a terse "Good morning" and ignored her worried look, then he went straight into Jack's office, climbed down the metal ladder into Jack's bunk. He quickly pulled off the shoes from his feet, then he lay down in Jack's bed and tucked himself up.

Here it really smelled like Jack – his scent complete enveloped him and soothed Ianto on the one hand, on the other hand it confused him even more and made him upset. How often had he lain here in this bed, slept next to Jack, slept with him? And now only he was there. Ianto didn't allow himself to be here often, because he was afraid that each time more and more of his pheromones replaced Jack's, and at some point it would no longer smell here like Jack. Then he wouldn't even have his scent as a memento. Tears welled up in his eyes as he lay there in the semi-darkness. He felt unspeakably lost, emotionally tired, hurt. He couldn't stand it any longer. Knowing that Jack was not there and that he probably meant nothing to him was horrible. How could he miss Jack so much when Jack apparently didn't miss him too? Why was he still feeling this way? Weeping, he buried his face in the pillow, inhaled Jack, and surrendered himself to the illusion of lying in his arms right now.

Half asleep he heard the others putter around upstairs. He heard Owen complain about Ianto lying around lazily while he had to work. Shortly thereafter he heard Toshiko's tirade in defence of Ianto and how she lowered her voice, rebuking Owen. That Ianto had a bad day today, that he would certainly rather work than be lovelorn. Gwen said something to Owen too, and it became quiet again the hub. Ianto fell asleep again, completely done with the world around him, feeling like a nervous wreck.

When Ianto woke up hours later, he heard someone coming to Jack's office, then, how the person climbed down the metal ladder to him. It was Toshiko, and she gave Ianto a wry smile. She sat down beside him on the bed and looked at him for long. He knew he didn't have to say a thing – Toshiko understood him anyway, she was just there for him. It was strange, when they were together, Tosh was neither uptight nor clumsy – she was just calm in a pleasant way, and Ianto felt connected to her. He allowed that she stroked some strands of hair from his forehead, but he couldn't return her smile.

"He will come back, Ianto... he'll certainly return", she said softly, and Ianto's face hardened.

"It not about him coming back, but the fact that he has left without me. The way he left us. He didn't say a thing to any of us, we all probably don't matter to him at all", he said, and he was surprised about the bitter tone of his voice. Tosh grimaced.

"I can't believe this somehow... I think we all mean something to him. And you mean a lot to him... at least it looked like it when he kissed you."

Ianto didn't know what to say to this, and Toshiko left him with a small, encouraging smile.

...

An eternity passed in which Ianto stared at the ceiling, thinking. Owen then came down the stairs, focussing on balancing a tray with one hand. Ianto was surprised so see him down here – since when did Owen care about him? Or did he want to swear at him, man to man? Then Ianto looked at the tray that Owen put on the bed, and he felt moved – he saw a cup of coffee and a sandwich, plus a colourful, folded napkin.

Owen crouched in front of him and looked up at him. For a few seconds he looked at him seriously, then Ianto saw to his surprise a small smile on his lips.

"Listen, mate. We all know how much you miss Jack, and that you have rather bad nerves at the moment. You shut yourself away, you eat nothing, you drink like a fish, you're all at sea. You might think that no one here is interested in it, but you're wrong, Ianto. Yes, even I'm sitting next to you now and bring you something to eat, so far we've come. When my fiancée died, I was also thinking, this is the end... But as you see, I'm still alive. Jack opened my eyes back then. It''s not over, Ianto, you have to forget him. The girls are worried about you, and even I as a doctor start to worry. You've become too thin, you have to eat again... And... Ianto.. you'll only hear me say this once, but it's true: We are here for you. All of us. As soon as you're ready."

Completely flabbergasted Ianto watched Owen climbing up the ladder again, leaving him alone again. Owen's words touched him, warmed his heart. Of course, the others... No matter how alone he felt right now, they cared about him, they wanted to be there for him. Had Lisa's death not been enough of a lesson? Back then he had tried to solve his problems on his own. And it hadn't worked out at that time. He was afraid to open up to others, to show his feelings. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized that he really had a problem he couldn't cope with alone. He needed help or he had to go down. Nevertheless, it would be difficult to forget Jack. To act as if nothing had happened, to just carry on. He lay still for a while. Then he slowly reached for the cup of coffee and drank it – the coffee was horrible, but Ianto drank it with a smile. The sandwich was alright, but to Ianto it tasted as if he hadn't eaten anything better within the last years. Probably because it had been made by friends. He felt life within him again, felt strength awakening in him.

It took Ianto some overcoming when he left Jack's office and walked to the others. Eagerly they looked at him with wide eyes, watched him put away the empty plate and the coffee cup into the sink. Then they saw his smile, the hint of tears in his eyes.

"I'm back", he said in a chocked voice. Toshiko ran towards him and hugged him tightly. They all were moved, even Owen had tears in his eyes, when they heard Ianto's moved, soft laugh. They had become a family by now.

"Thank God, finally decent coffee!", Owen called out, whereupon all of them laughed.

...

Jack turned off the transmission, unstoppable tears streamed down from his eyes, fell to the floor. He had seen enough. He simply hadn't been able to resist, although it had been enough to see Ianto again. No, he had been stupid enough to hack Torchwood's cameras. He had seen everything, heard everything. How tired out Ianto had been, how the others had worried about him. At the time Jack had returned to the team he hadn't nearly understood how bad Ianto had felt in his absence. It was good to see how the others looked after him though, how Ianto started to trust them – but it hurt his heart to see what he had done to Ianto.

Although he had given him RetCon, Ianto seemed worse today than the day before, he seemed to have felt Jack's presence somehow. In tears Jack saw little of what he typed into his leather strap, his fingers trembled. He wouldn't make the same mistake again to visit Ianto a second time in the past. He had already done enough damage. A beam of light enveloped his body and transported him away into an unknown future. He would not return again to lose everything again that was dear to him.

**THE END**


End file.
